I'm Sorry
by LostAndLonelyGirl
Summary: Blaine is left alone with his thoughts for too long. What happens when Kurt comes over and finds out what he's been thinking? Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts


Blaine walked in to his dorm room after lunch, so done with classes for the week, even though it was only Tuesday. He decided to skip the rest of his classes. He just wanted to escape everything for a while. He kicked his shoes off and carefully removed his uniform, then walked into the bathroom. He leaned on the sink and stared onto the mirror.

"You're pathetic," he said to his reflection. "You're never going to be good enough for them." He stared at his face in the mirror and let the tears roll down his cheeks. Blaine hated himself. He was tired of being a disappointment.

After a few minutes of staring, he crouched down and opened the cabinet under the sink. He pulled out a few things for him to take a shower and got up to turn the water on. He let the shower heat up and then shed his boxers and got in.

Blaine leaned the back of his head against the wall and slowly slid down and pulled his knees up to his chest. He set his head on his knees and started crying again. He was so tired of everything.

He started breathing heavily and shook his head to try to escape the thoughts. He cried even harder and hugged his legs tightly.

"I can't… I can't do this… I just… I can't!" He began rocking back and forth as he cried, trying to find some way to ease the thoughts flooding his brain. Blaine slowly released his legs and stood back up, nearly slipping in the process. He clenched his fists and shook his head, as if he were telling himself 'no'.

He unclenched his fists and looked around. He remembered his straight razor in the cupboard and took a shaky breath before stepping out of the shower. He grabbed it and brought it back in with him, sitting on the floor again. Blaine stared at the razor, trying to find a reason to put it down, but couldn't. He gripped it tightly and held it against his thigh.

He stared at the blade against his skin before slowly pressing down on it. He watched as he began to drag it across his skin, bloody water dripping down his leg. Blaine made another cut below that one and watched with a fascinated expression as the blood swirled down the drain. He finally had control of something.

He looked at the marks he had made and felt sick. He had done that. He, who avoided pain at all costs, had done this to himself. But that wasn't what made him sick. He was disgusted by the fact that he wanted more.

He immediately dropped the blade when he realized what he had done. Blaine began sobbing and put his head in his hands. He cried until the water turned cold then stood up shakily, turning the water off and grabbing a towel. He dried himself off carelessly and pulled on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt before crawling into his bed. He lay there, curled up in his blankets, staring blankly at the door until he fell into a restless sleep.

A few hours later, there was a knock on his door. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes, then got out of bed to answer the door. He looked at the visitor with surprise.

"Hey, Kurt, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to hang out with Rachel tonight?" He gave him a confused look and let him in. Kurt stepped into the room and kissed his cheek before answering.

"Yeah, she bailed and ended up going out with Finn instead. I figured you wouldn't mind too much if I showed up here." He smiled at Blaine and waited to see if that was an acceptable change of plans.

"I would never turn away an opportunity to spend time with my boyfriend." He smiled weakly at him and shut the door. Kurt watched him carefully.

"Hey, are you okay, babe? You look upset…" He frowned and took Blaine's hands.

"Yeah… Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired, that's all," Blaine responded, trying to shake off the question. Kurt searched his face and frowned deeper, knowing that wasn't all that was wrong. He shook his head and looked into his eyes.

"There's something else going on. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but you know I'll listen."

"I'm fine. I'm just really stressed about this history test I have coming up and I've been staying up too late trying to study for it. That's all." He looked down at their hands and frowned, uncomfortable with lying to Kurt, but not wanting to bother him with his stupid problems. Kurt analyzed his face and nodded slightly.

"If you say so… I love you, Blaine."

"I love you too," he mumbled back as he stared at their hands. Kurt squeezed Blaine's hands and then tugged him gently in the direction of the bed. He followed mindlessly and sat down next to Kurt. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Blaine. You're perfect." Kurt rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head. He slipped off his shoes and brought his legs up onto the bed, pulling Blaine onto his chest. Blaine easily conformed to Kurt's body, cuddling against him and closing his eyes.

"I'm far from perfect," he whispered. Kurt frowned and stroked his cheek with his thumb.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Blaine started crying silently and shook his head. Kurt hugged him tightly and kissed his head again. "Hey… No, baby, don't cry. What is it?" He looked at him with a concerned face. Blaine cried harder and held onto Kurt tightly.

"I'm just so tired," he choked out. "I don't want to do this anymore!"

"Do what, babe?" Kurt asked him, confused

"Everything! I don't want to keep disappointing people and failing at things. I just want to be done…" He began sobbing and buried his face in Kurt's shirt. Kurt rubbed his back and took a deep, shaky breath.

"Blaine… Are you - are you saying…?" He looked at the crying boy, mortified by the thought that Blaine, his Blaine, could be suicidal. Blaine only cried harder, hiding his face completely. Kurt stopped rubbing his back and paled even more than his porcelain skin already was, feeling his body freeze when there wasn't a denial. "Blaine…" he whispered.

"I'm sorry!" Blaine managed to choke out as he sobbed. He shakily pushed himself away from Kurt, curling into a ball and hiding his face again. Kurt stared at him, at a complete loss for words before standing up slowly and then standing surely in front of the bed.

"Stop it," he commanded. Blaine stopped crying immediately, terrified of what was coming next. He slowly raised his head to look at Kurt. "Blaine. You are going to listen to me right now, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered hoarsely, still scared of what was going to happen.

"I love you. No matter what you think, I love you, so, so much. I don't ever want to lose you." Blaine nodded, silent tears rolling down his face. "I want you to do something for me."

"Anything…" Blaine stared at Kurt's face, wondering what he wanted.

"I want you to get dressed."

"But… why?" he asked.

"No questions. Go get dressed." Blaine slowly crawled off the bed, watching Kurt, and then got a pair of pants and a sweater out of the closet. He turned back to Kurt questioningly and held up the clothes.

"Is this okay?" Kurt nodded and pulled his shoes back on, waiting for Blaine to change.

Blaine looked at him a little longer before setting his clothes on the bed and turning towards it, pulling his t-shirt over his head and putting on the sweater. He hesitated with the pants, remembering the cuts on his leg and not wanting Kurt to see. He leaned that leg against the bed, angled away from Kurt, and quickly slipped the sweats off and pulled his pants on. He folded the other clothes and set them on the edge of his bed and turned back to Kurt.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"Out," Kurt replied vaguely, opening the door and waiting for Blaine. He held out his hand to him to show that it was going to be okay. Blaine took it and followed him hesitantly, unsure of what the plan was, but trusting Kurt fully. Kurt led him to his car and helped him get in, hoping that things would go smoothly.

"Wait here," he said before jogging back inside and going through the closet to grab a few outfits and then heading toward the bathroom to get some of his favorite hair gel. He got it out of the cabinet under the sink and then saw a shiny metal object on the floor of the shower. He turned towards it and saw the razor, fear running through his body. He left it there and put Blaine's things in a bag, then brought it out to the car.

"What are you doing, Kurt?" Blaine asked nervously when he got back.

"I packed you a bag. We're going to my place for a while." Blaine watched him and nodded, sitting in the seat and looking very small. Kurt got into the driver's seat and sighed as he buckled and then pulled out of the parking lot and drove towards his house. Blaine sat quietly and stared straight ahead the entire ride there, trying not to cry again.

When they pulled into the driveway at the Hummel household, Blaine looked down at his hands and frowned. Kurt turned the car off and looked over at him.

"Blaine?"

"…Yeah?" He looked over at Kurt slowly.

"I love you."

"I love you too." He looked back down and cried again quietly. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. "I didn't mean to do this to you…"

"Blaine, honey, it's okay…" He crawled over to the passenger seat and pulled Blaine into his lap. "Baby, I'm here, and there is nothing that's going to change that. I love you. I'm going to stay by your side, okay?" Blaine nodded and laid his head on Kurt's chest breathing deeply. Kurt rubbed his back gently and kissed the top of his head.

The two sat there for a while, Blaine calming down slowly and Kurt trying to soothe him. Eventually, Blaine had himself put together enough to go inside. Kurt walked with him and immediately took him downstairs to his room. They climbed into his bed and curled up against each other.

Blaine fell asleep after a few minutes, exhausted from all the crying he had done. Kurt kissed his cheek and made sure he was asleep before finally allowing himself to cry. He felt so guilty. He didn't know that Blaine had been feeling so badly. He never would have guessed that anything like this was going on. And the razor on the shower floor – was it used for shaving or something else? He didn't know how he could have missed all of this. He soon fell asleep as well, hoping that he could help his boyfriend get better.

Neither boy slept well that night. Blaine had nightmares and Kurt would wake up to comfort him every time. Eventually, Kurt decided to stay awake to wait for the next fit coming from Blaine. When the morning finally rolled around, Blaine woke up, still tired from the previous day. Kurt smiled weakly and kissed him gently.

"Can I… Can I ask you something, Blaine?" He watched his face nervously.

"…Yeah."

"Did you ever…" He took a deep breath and rushed out his words. "Have you ever hurt yourself?" He bit his lip and searched Blaine's face, hoping that he was mistaken about the razor. Blaine avoided looking at Kurt as he nodded.

"I'm so sorry…" he whispered, pulling his knees up. Kurt shook his head and regulated his breathing.

"No, Blaine… I'm sorry. I didn't see. I didn't do anything to help." He stared at the wall and tried to find some way to help him. Blaine hung his head and turned away.

"I didn't mean to do this to you. I'm sorry."

"Blaine, baby, no. It's not your fault. It's okay. We're going to get through this." He lifted Blaine's head to look at him. "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to help you. Okay?"

"You don't have to waste your time on me… I'm sorry. I just couldn't deal with everything. I needed some control… I didn't mean to…" he whispered again. Kurt hugged him tightly and kissed his head.

"Blaine, we need to tell somebody. We need to get you some help." Blaine's head snapped up and he looked at him with terror.

"No! No… Don't make me go…" He started crying again. "They're going to take me away… Don't make me!" He shook his head defiantly and pulled away from Kurt.

"You can't get better if you don't do anything, babe."

"No! I won't do it again… It was only once. I'm not gonna do it again. I'll do anything… Just don't make me go!" he pleaded. Kurt sighed and shook his head.

"I won't make you go anywhere… But I want you to talk to somebody, okay, Blaine?"

"I'll talk to you… No doctors, please!" Kurt sighed again but nodded.

"Okay. No doctors. Just… Make sure you tell me everything, okay? Anytime you feel anything, you talk to me. Got it?" Blaine nodded frantically.

"I will. Thank you…" Kurt nodded and smiled weakly at him.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Kurt smiled at Blaine, stronger this time and Blaine smiled back gratefully.

"Can I see?" Kurt asked hesitantly. Blaine looked at him, slightly confused. "The cuts, I mean… Can I see them?"

"Do you really want to?" he asked. Kurt nodded and watched his face carefully.

"If it's okay with you…" Blaine hesitated before getting up out of the bed. He slowly unbuttoned his pants and tugged them downward, revealing two horizontal cuts on his thigh.

"I'll never do it again…" Kurt looked at them carefully, only love and care in his eyes. He moved closer to him and then looked up at his face.

"Can I?" he asked, holding his hand out towards his leg. Blaine nodded and shut his eyes. Kurt's cold fingers gently touched the red skin, moving across his leg. His hand was replaced by soft lips, kissing carefully around the cuts. Kurt stood up as well and kissed Blaine's lips. "I never want to see you hurting this badly again. I love you, Blaine. Please, don't let it get to this point again." Blaine leaned into him and nodded.

"I'm sorry, Kurt. I love you… I won't ever do this again. I don't know what I was thinking. I just couldn't get the thoughts out of my head." Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine and held him tightly.

"Next time you feel like that, call me. I'll answer you every time. I'll help you get rid of the thoughts. I'm here to help you, no matter what." Blaine nodded again and smiled.

"Thank you, Kurt. For everything."

"Of course."


End file.
